The Best I Can Do at the Moment......

So, Jarrod and I are raising our family.....and we now have two teens.   As of recent, I have been reflecting on situations in the past that often come back to haunt me. These are situations that I go over and over in my mind considering how they would have turned out different "if only I had...."
Argh.  I drive myself crazy with this.  Why?  Because I love my children and family and want to give them the best of what I have to give.  

I tell my children that when I "change" my mind on something, it isn't because I am being mean, or that I've suddenly decided to give in and give the go ahead on things that I've previously said no to.  It's because Jarrod and I have come to a better understanding on the subject, I have got an answer in prayer, or some other significant happening that shed light on the matter.

It seems like only yesterday I was 17 and getting married to Jarrod.  My head was full of things: I KNEW how I was going to raise my kids, and had very strong ideas of what I would and wouldn't do.  Of course, that lasted all of a couple of years.  A late term miscarriage, a subsequent miscarriage, in law troubles, and other issues gave me a good dose of reality in a hurry.  We never, ever, know the true story behind closed doors.  I, naively, thought that all marriages were like mine, and what I had seen of my parents growing up.  There are many things I would change within  that time period. Some things I would change are so painful to think about I still boo-hoo over them.  For one, I would have miscarried my babies at home instead of opting  for surgical removal and leaving the hospital with no remains. For another, I would have been kinder to Jarrod's parents, even when folks weren't being kind to me. I have a long ol' list. (sigh)

BUT, on a brighter note,  going through troubling times so very young, gave me a foot up a few years down the road when I had gained a bit of maturity.  I learned that you can love someone although they hurt you.  I learned that God knows just what to send, even when no one else knows what you need...HE does. 

I wish I knew half as much now as I thought I did at 17. :-)   Knowing I can't change the past, I look at it with the knowing that I was doing the best I could at the time....and for the moment, I try to tread carefully, and for the future...I try to rely on the Lord more.